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Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life, by Adam Phillips
Download Ebook Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life, by Adam Phillips
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A TRANSFORMATIVE BOOK ABOUT THE LIVES WE WISH WE HAD AND WHAT THEY CAN TEACH US ABOUT WHO WE ARE
All of us lead two parallel lives: the one we are actively living, and the one we feel we should have had or might yet have. As hard as we try to exist in the moment, the unlived life is an inescapable presence, a shadow at our heels. And this itself can become the story of our lives: an elegy to unmet needs and sacrificed desires. We become haunted by the myth of our own potential, of what we have in ourselves to be or to do. And this can make of our lives a perpetual game of falling short.
But what happens if we remove the idea of failure from the equation? With his flair for graceful paradox, the acclaimed psychoanalyst Adam Phillips suggests that if we accept frustration as a way of outlining what we really want, satisfaction suddenly becomes possible. To crave a life without frustration is to crave a life without the potential to identify and accomplish our desires.
In Missing Out, an elegant, compassionate, and absorbing book, Phillips draws deeply on his own clinical experience as well as on the works of Shakespeare and Freud, of D. W. Winnicott and William James, to suggest that frustration, not getting it, and getting away with it are all chapters in our unlived lives―and may be essential to the one fully lived.
- Sales Rank: #56284 in Books
- Published on: 2013-12-31
- Released on: 2013-12-31
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.25" h x .62" w x 5.50" l, .43 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
From Bookforum
In Missing Out, Phillips seeks to render the self-punishing rigors of envisioning alternate lives—denied lives, better lives, more outrageous lives—into a normal-ish study in badly managed life expectations. While our lives are a seesaw of frustration and fulfillment, the eventual satisfaction never quite measures up. Because of its wild ranginess, its unwillingness to be American and tell me what to think, Missing Out brought me a strange and maybe obvious kind of comfort. —Choire Sicha
Review
“A wonderfully concise appeal for presentness...Elegantly stated.” ―The Boston Globe
“Missing Out is [Adam Phillips's] most poetic, paradoxical, repetitive, and punning yet; he doesn't argue in a linear fashion but nestles ideas within ideas, like Russian dolls.” ―Sheila Heti, The New York Times Book Review
“[Adam Phillips] has an elegant prose style...with a talent for turning a phrase, a knack for epigrams” ―Los Angeles Review of Books
“Extraordinary…Always humane, never reductive, Phillips is one of those writers whom it is a pleasure simply to hear think.” ―The Sunday Telegraph (London)
About the Author
Adam Phillips is a psychoanalyst and a visiting professor in the English department at the University of York who writes frequently for the London Review of Books. He is the author of many books, including On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored; Going Sane; Side Effects; and On Balance. He is also the coauthor, with the historian Barbara Taylor, of On Kindness.
Most helpful customer reviews
55 of 58 people found the following review helpful.
Stay Focused on the Road in Front of You
By Tom Madison
Reading Adam Phillips' "Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life" is like driving in New York City traffic - at first it's unnerving, confusing and one isn't quite sure what to make of it; but after a while, if you steel your will, continue the effort and don't pull off to the side of the road, you fall into its own particular rhythms, go with the flow, and it all begins to make intoxicating sense. I found this book to be one of the most powerful and, at the same time, one of the most difficult books I've ever read. But I arrived at my destination exhilarated, with few dents and scratches, and feeling as though it had been well worth the effort to stay focused on where this book can take you.
96 of 103 people found the following review helpful.
Imagine That !
By David R. Anderson
"In Praise of the Unlived Life," the subtitle of Adam Phillips' new book, his seventeenth, hooked me. Not so surprising since Stephen Vizinczey's classic "In Praise of Older Women - The Amorous Reflections of A.V." sits next to "Thy Neighbor's Wife" by Gay Talese in my bookcase. So what, I wanted Phillips to tell me, am I missing out on?
Quite a lot, it turns out. Paradoxically, he asserts, we have become experts in what we don't know and know-little's about what we think we do know. When the going gets tough at work or at home, as our frustration builds with the knots we tie ourselves up in, we develop "omniscience" about what awaits us in our unlived lives. It's not until we leave the job or abandon the family that the green pastures we projected turn out to be less nourishing than the life we confidently expected awaited us.
There are a couple of reasons for this. Not only is it impossible to fully know ourselves, more importantly, we can never know what goes on with anyone else, not our children, not our parents, not our wives or sweethearts. So we can't l know how things will turn out if we stay put and try to work out solutions to our frustrations, and we certainly can't know how we will feel with the new job or partner in the unlived life we opted for. To that degree, the book's subtitle title is, if not misleading, disingenuous. Since we can't know the unlived life - we never reach it -- the praise we cloak it in is a mirage.
Phillips, a psychoanalyst with years of practice under his belt, has extensive experience to support his conclusions. Moreover, he is sharp as a tack, extremely well read in his field and out, and a writer the New York Times described as "poetic, paradoxical, repetitive and punning." (Shelia Heit's review "Second Selves" appeared in the January 20, 2013 Sunday Book Review.) What more could you ask for?
End note. In fact, there is more: the book's appendix titled "On Acting Madness." It tackles what it means to actor, audience and to our understanding of the terrors of madness to perform the role of a madman on stage. Phillips discusses "MacBeth", "King Lear" and David Holman's dramatization of Gogol's "Diary of a Madman." What makes Phillips' essay so telling is that it assumes that madness "represents one of our unlived lives, something that might have happened to us..."
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Very Interesting.
By TK
I will admit that the end lacked the same substance as the beginning, but the beginning makes the book worth reading. Reading the reviews I was surprised to see so many negative comments, although upon reflection, the book is obviously not for everyone. I bought it after reading Joan Acocella's review in the New Yorker. She did not particularly like the book or understand it, so I figured there was probably something there. I was not disappointed.
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